Life’s…complicated?

Many things have changed in my life since I’ve last written, but that’s not what this post is about. This one’s about my internal struggle of finding a passion, something that makes my life feel fulfilled, that makes me proud. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accomplished a lot in my short 25 years on earth and I have a lot to be proud of, but there’s something that still gnaws on me deep down that I’ve not yet found that thing that’s going to make me feel full all over with happiness.

Since I was little, my parents always told me to find something that I love or I’m passionate about and then make it into a career. It sounds a lot easier than it actually is. I mean, I love a lot of things, ie my family and friends, clothes, decorating my house, watching Netflix, the list goes on. But how exactly do I make one of those into a career? I mean, I love clothes, but designing and making them isn’t really my forte. I love decorating, but I don’t think I’m savvy enough to be an interior designer. Then there’s social media…I mean everyone and their mother seems to be an influencer of some kind. Yes, it seems cool when I see them all on my insta feed with their beautiful photographs and outfits but like HOW does one get to the point of insta fame? It’s not as easy as they make it look, trust me, I’ve taken like 10 online courses on how to become one/skills you should know (no shame). I mean one of those courses was how to be a successful blogger and we see how that’s going.

Usually at this point in my thought process is where the self doubt kicks in. I start to question everything I’ve ever done or haven’t done in life and every choice I’ve made. Like, what if I went to college for a totally pointless degree that has nothing to do with what I’m doing and I wasted tons of money just for a piece of paper that makes me only seem smart??? This is typically a weekly thought…especially weeks where I make those stupid loan payments. From this point it just goes further down the rabbit hole…what if I’m just not finding a passion because I’m not creative enough? Other people have found ways of making things they love into careers, why can’t I? What’s wrong with me? Am I just lazy? How do I become less lazy? (I google this question at least once a month) All this doubt just builds up and it seems to road block me every time a become motivated by an idea. Then I start thinking that the idea wasn’t my true passion if I was willing to give up so quickly and the cycle starts again.

So where does the cycle end? Well, I haven’t exactly figured that out yet. Part of the idea behind this post was to be extremely honest with myself and open with others to see if, maybe I’m not alone? Are there others out there struggling? I don’t want people to think that I’m miserable in my day to day life, because that’s not true. I live a pretty comfortable life, which I’m very grateful for. But the struggle of finding something that can support me while also making me feel truly fulfilled and passionate is definitely still real. I want to find that thing that makes me jump out of bed in the morning, which is really saying something considering I’m NOT a morning person, but how do I find it? Please don’t say soul searching because I’m not even sure how soul searching works??

I will try my very bestest to keep this updated on how my search is going. Or maybe just actually start writing again?? We’ll see, I can’t promise anything, but I will take advice from anyone out there who has been able to find that thing they wake up for. And if you’re struggling too, let me know, so I can finally realize I’m not the only one out there! Maybe we can confide in each other? Let’s be friends??

Okay thanks for reading, bye!

Hanna